When you are a mom you hear the term "self care" a lot. Basically many moms don't take care of themselves because they are too busy caring for others. When you are married you still can struggle with self care, I know I did, sometimes because of mom-guilt, sometimes because my ex wasn't exactly helpful or encouraging of my time. I mean-he would tell me to take time to myself, but during that time he wouldn't do what I would be doing, so often if I took time I came back to all the work that needed to be done from that time on top of everything else I needed to do.
As a single working mom, self care is even harder. Sometimes I can do something for myself on a visitation weekend, like lunch with a friend or a nap, but more often than not I use that time to catch up of house repairs, work, cleaning, laundry, etc. As a single mom, self care is really important because you get burnt out quickly. I never even have one night when my kids aren't home, so I can never just sleep until I wake, or go out to all hours, or go away for a night or two, and those are what single moms need to recharge. So I try to fit self care in when I can. I go upstairs some nights when the little kids go to bed and do a face mask and text friends. Some visitation weekends I force myself to ignore the list of tasks and lay in bed with Thai food and a good movie. Someday I will have more time alone than I ever could want, probably because I also will never get to date, but that is a post for another day.
Thursday, July 12, 2018
Saturday, July 7, 2018
Backstory
So...how do you get to be over 40, with five kids, multiple advanced degrees and a divorce under your belt, well it is a fun story. You start with marrying the wrong person, someone who takes but doesn't give, that watches you struggle, someone who systemically breaks you down until you believe you don't deserve better and can't do it on your own. I knew he was wrong from the start and I should have left many, many times. So many other people saw it too and they tried to help me know I could leave, but I stayed, and I take ownership of that. As more kids came, money got tighter, and it got scarier. Honestly, if he hadn't walked out like he did I would probably still be married today and miserable with no sense of hope. At least now I have hope
Tuesday, July 3, 2018
Life After
So...when you build your life around your kids, husband and home it can rock your world when everything changes. Just over two years ago my now ex-husband walked out. Kids were here, I was here and he just announced it, took hours to execute it, and then left and lived out of state for over a year. Was I sad he left, not really, the marriage was really bad, but I was sad for my kids and what they went through. Some days I was sad for me and what I went through IN the marriage and how hard it was to juggle everything after he jumped ship, especially children who were struggling. Add to the mix my three jobs in higher education, a youngest child with significant health issues and an oldest child who was a challenge to say the least. Hard, humbling, breath stealing would be how I described the first few months....then angry, frustrated and devastated would be the next months after. After...the after is the hard part, the during there was no time for emotion.
I have my kids nearly 24/7. Visitation is only for the youngest three and my middle guy is questionable, never overnight, a grand total of 28 hours a month. That 28 hours I need to recharge, get things accomplished, fit in a social life, and often spend time with the other kids who don't go with their father. Twenty eight hours a month, max, I get to be an individual, get to not be "on call" get to hopefully relax a bit, and most months I have other children or responsibilities during those mere 28 hours.
I know, I know...good mothers never want to be away from their children and pine away when they are at camp, or school, or with friends. I miss my kids when they are with their dad, I worry about them too which is hard, the mom mode never gets turned off. Do I appreciate the ability to watch tv in bed in my underwear on a visitation Saturday, yes I do, especially since the kids are home by 7 and at least one will end up in my bed through the night. I also appreciate the time they are in school and I can work and run errands and listen to my music in the house, because when they come home I am incredibly happy to see them, and the quiet and lonely is overwhelming some days.
A year after a divorce interesting things start to happen. Clarity is one, especially when looking at someone you were in a relationship with and now you aren't, but kind of still are for the kids. You see patterns that you didn't recognize before. You see how he turns your words, or how he says the things he knows will hurt you most, or how he brings up things from years ago that have nothing to do with co-parenting today. Clarity is good, but can be crazy making too. You also start to see the imbalance of it all, well if you are in my situation you do. He walked clean, and on his schedule, and he has his own life independent from the kids or the responsibilities of a family. Seriously...he is a dad to max 3 kids 28 hours a month. That means he doesn't do the dirty work of parenting, but he also doesn't get the big rewards of being entwined in the kid's lives, and for them to know you KNOW them inside out and backwards.
The other super weird thing that comes up is dating. Now I don't know about you, but I was married for almost 18 years, together for almost 20 so you can guess I am no spring chicken. Dating has changed a lot since I was on the market, and I was lighter in weight and responsibility back then. I am wiser these days about life, but clueless about dating and terrified of both finding someone and being alone. That said, I am pretty sure dating isn't on my agenda for the near future, especially since the guy would basically need to walk in my door, sit down and decide I was a keeper even with less than 28 hours a month (and no overnights) and five kids in tow.
So now it is time to heal and redefine myself. Find myself under the pain and hurt that has piled on. Find my way back to who I was before kids and adjust accordingly, and find a way to make time for myself in a world that is not my own. Learn what I want, where I want to go, and how the hell to get there without scarring the children or me. Healing, learning, finding...that is my mantra.
I have my kids nearly 24/7. Visitation is only for the youngest three and my middle guy is questionable, never overnight, a grand total of 28 hours a month. That 28 hours I need to recharge, get things accomplished, fit in a social life, and often spend time with the other kids who don't go with their father. Twenty eight hours a month, max, I get to be an individual, get to not be "on call" get to hopefully relax a bit, and most months I have other children or responsibilities during those mere 28 hours.
I know, I know...good mothers never want to be away from their children and pine away when they are at camp, or school, or with friends. I miss my kids when they are with their dad, I worry about them too which is hard, the mom mode never gets turned off. Do I appreciate the ability to watch tv in bed in my underwear on a visitation Saturday, yes I do, especially since the kids are home by 7 and at least one will end up in my bed through the night. I also appreciate the time they are in school and I can work and run errands and listen to my music in the house, because when they come home I am incredibly happy to see them, and the quiet and lonely is overwhelming some days.
A year after a divorce interesting things start to happen. Clarity is one, especially when looking at someone you were in a relationship with and now you aren't, but kind of still are for the kids. You see patterns that you didn't recognize before. You see how he turns your words, or how he says the things he knows will hurt you most, or how he brings up things from years ago that have nothing to do with co-parenting today. Clarity is good, but can be crazy making too. You also start to see the imbalance of it all, well if you are in my situation you do. He walked clean, and on his schedule, and he has his own life independent from the kids or the responsibilities of a family. Seriously...he is a dad to max 3 kids 28 hours a month. That means he doesn't do the dirty work of parenting, but he also doesn't get the big rewards of being entwined in the kid's lives, and for them to know you KNOW them inside out and backwards.
The other super weird thing that comes up is dating. Now I don't know about you, but I was married for almost 18 years, together for almost 20 so you can guess I am no spring chicken. Dating has changed a lot since I was on the market, and I was lighter in weight and responsibility back then. I am wiser these days about life, but clueless about dating and terrified of both finding someone and being alone. That said, I am pretty sure dating isn't on my agenda for the near future, especially since the guy would basically need to walk in my door, sit down and decide I was a keeper even with less than 28 hours a month (and no overnights) and five kids in tow.
So now it is time to heal and redefine myself. Find myself under the pain and hurt that has piled on. Find my way back to who I was before kids and adjust accordingly, and find a way to make time for myself in a world that is not my own. Learn what I want, where I want to go, and how the hell to get there without scarring the children or me. Healing, learning, finding...that is my mantra.
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