So...when you build your life around your kids, husband and home it can rock your world when everything changes. Just over two years ago my now ex-husband walked out. Kids were here, I was here and he just announced it, took hours to execute it, and then left and lived out of state for over a year. Was I sad he left, not really, the marriage was really bad, but I was sad for my kids and what they went through. Some days I was sad for me and what I went through IN the marriage and how hard it was to juggle everything after he jumped ship, especially children who were struggling. Add to the mix my three jobs in higher education, a youngest child with significant health issues and an oldest child who was a challenge to say the least. Hard, humbling, breath stealing would be how I described the first few months....then angry, frustrated and devastated would be the next months after. After...the after is the hard part, the during there was no time for emotion.
I have my kids nearly 24/7. Visitation is only for the youngest three and my middle guy is questionable, never overnight, a grand total of 28 hours a month. That 28 hours I need to recharge, get things accomplished, fit in a social life, and often spend time with the other kids who don't go with their father. Twenty eight hours a month, max, I get to be an individual, get to not be "on call" get to hopefully relax a bit, and most months I have other children or responsibilities during those mere 28 hours.
I know, I know...good mothers never want to be away from their children and pine away when they are at camp, or school, or with friends. I miss my kids when they are with their dad, I worry about them too which is hard, the mom mode never gets turned off. Do I appreciate the ability to watch tv in bed in my underwear on a visitation Saturday, yes I do, especially since the kids are home by 7 and at least one will end up in my bed through the night. I also appreciate the time they are in school and I can work and run errands and listen to my music in the house, because when they come home I am incredibly happy to see them, and the quiet and lonely is overwhelming some days.
A year after a divorce interesting things start to happen. Clarity is one, especially when looking at someone you were in a relationship with and now you aren't, but kind of still are for the kids. You see patterns that you didn't recognize before. You see how he turns your words, or how he says the things he knows will hurt you most, or how he brings up things from years ago that have nothing to do with co-parenting today. Clarity is good, but can be crazy making too. You also start to see the imbalance of it all, well if you are in my situation you do. He walked clean, and on his schedule, and he has his own life independent from the kids or the responsibilities of a family. Seriously...he is a dad to max 3 kids 28 hours a month. That means he doesn't do the dirty work of parenting, but he also doesn't get the big rewards of being entwined in the kid's lives, and for them to know you KNOW them inside out and backwards.
The other super weird thing that comes up is dating. Now I don't know about you, but I was married for almost 18 years, together for almost 20 so you can guess I am no spring chicken. Dating has changed a lot since I was on the market, and I was lighter in weight and responsibility back then. I am wiser these days about life, but clueless about dating and terrified of both finding someone and being alone. That said, I am pretty sure dating isn't on my agenda for the near future, especially since the guy would basically need to walk in my door, sit down and decide I was a keeper even with less than 28 hours a month (and no overnights) and five kids in tow.
So now it is time to heal and redefine myself. Find myself under the pain and hurt that has piled on. Find my way back to who I was before kids and adjust accordingly, and find a way to make time for myself in a world that is not my own. Learn what I want, where I want to go, and how the hell to get there without scarring the children or me. Healing, learning, finding...that is my mantra.
No comments:
Post a Comment